Dear Ask Ashlee,
I am in love! I am in love with a woman who is smart, beautiful, funny, kind and is literally the best person I know. Usually this is something to be excited about right? I mean most of us wait our entire lives to find the one we want to be with and spend the rest of our lives with right? So here is my dilemma. The woman I am in love with is my boyfriend’s best friend’s girlfriend. I know, it’s a messy situation and if I could have prevented it from happening, I promise I would have. We just click in a way that I have never really connected with anyone else in my life. I want to make it clear that I am not a lesbian. I have never been with a woman before, but it is something about her. She understands me, she knows me better than I know myself and she supports me in a way that my parents, my best friend and my boyfriend never have been able to. I don’t know what to do, because I am ready for her to be all mine and she isn’t ready to walk away from her relationship just yet. I don’t want to break up with my boyfriend until I know she will leave hers. How can I convince her that she needs to leave him so we can freely be with one another and be happy?
– Hopelessly In Love
Dear Hopelessly in Love,
So here’s the thing, there are so many layers to this situation that you need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Let’s start with the fact that you are in a relationship. If you have found yourself no longer in love, or happy with the person you are with, you need to leave. Especially if you know you do not want to take your relationship any further. You are wasting his time and you are wasting your own time and energy by pretending everyday. Karma is a real force of nature to have to face, let him go because you do not want him, not because she hasn’t made the move on her end. Secondly, she is still with her man, and she has yet to come to the revelation that you have, this speaks volumes! You may be ready to experience this relationship but she clearly is not; pretending to be oblivious to this fact isn’t going to do you any justice. I am not disputing your connection, but by your claim she isn’t ready to take that big jump with you, she has her own reasons and reservations and you cannot force matters of the heart on anyone. You shouldn’t want to. Third, you may not be a full-blown lesbian, I respect that, but you are officially a bi-sexual woman and you need to face that. You should take some time by yourself to explore what that means with your life. Do you want to be with a man or a woman? Do you want to be with both men and women? Do you want to be taken care of by a woman but sexually pleased by a woman? There are a lot of unanswered questions within yourself that you will need to face before you allow yourself to commit to another person. Commit to yourself first, and commit to learning who you really are. You don’t want to jump head first into a relationship without first discovering who you are and who you want to be. I hope this helps!
With Love & Light,