Dear Ask Ashlee,
My child’s mother has been threatened by my wife since the moment we started dating. I have done everything I can think of to keep the drama between the two of them at a minimum. Despite my many efforts, my ex is constantly being aggressive towards my wife and having a negative impact on my son’s relationship with my wife. For example, my son likes to call my wife “Mum” as an inside joke between the two of them, and my ex has went as far as destroying my son’s PS4 (a birthday gift my wife and I got him) and told him until he realizes who is one and only mother is he is not allow to “play” anything at her house. She can be very petty. My wife holds her own fairly well and usually ignores her, but we recently found out that we are expecting, and my wife is very concerned with how my ex will react. She is asking that we not share this with my family and son until she has started to show so that she can focus on being healthy. I understand where she is coming from, but I also hate the idea of my ex having a negative effect on the celebration of our new baby. I hate that she is ruining this moment for my wife without even knowing it. I also think it is unfair for us to keep it from one side of the family instead of both. I want to celebrate our baby and let everyone know but I also want to respect my wife and her wishes. Where can we meet in the middle or how can we find some kind of common ground on this?
Excited To Be A New Dad, Again
Dear Excited To Be A New Dad, Again,
So here’s the thing, first and foremost congratulations on the baby! I love that you’re excited about your new bundle of joy and that your family is expanding. It’s unfortunate that you are in the situation you are in and you have to deal with this during such a happy occasion. I think right now your job is to protect your wife and your baby. Unnecessary stress can cause so many pregnancy complications that you may be completely unaware of. Your wife knows herself and she knows her body, this is your moment to listen to her and respect what she is asking of you. You all have time to make grand announcements but at this time, allow her the moment of bliss by discovering she is about to be a new mother. There may be concerns she has yet to share with you and unresolved emotions that she has to address before dealing with everyone else's. Your common ground could be that you all share this news with everyone at one time, this would be the easiest way to go about it in terms of being fair. I do want to point out that due to the issues within your current co-parenting situation, you handle your son with care. His mother will probably react the way you expect her to, be as counteractive as you possibly can with him. You will want him to feel included in everything as things progress, reassure him and his position in your life and your wife’s life. Let him know that he is not being replaced and that this just means your family is growing and he is now going to be a big brother and has the obligation of being a good one! In the meantime, continue providing support to your wife, because she is right, she should be focusing on her health and the health of the life inside of her. I hope this helps!
Love & Light, Ash